Dropping the ‘S Bomb’
Announcer: Good evening and welcome to Episode 6 of The Trials of Lindsey Graham, Water Carrier. (*)
As you may recall from last week’s episode, the recent legal challenges of our hero, the senior US Senator from South Carolina (LG) have intensified.
With his friends and colleagues, Rudy and Brad, our hero is anxiously awaiting the report of the Fulton County Special Grand Jury as to alleged election tampering in December 2020. The report is due to be released January 24. In this episode Lindsey is answering questions on Fox News (1) resisting the pleas of his lawyer, Don McGahn, whom you may remember has cautioned Lindsey from making false claims in the public arena.
A warning to parents. The material you are about to hear might not be suitable for young ears. Thank you for your consideration.
Announcer: We join our hero in the sound booth of Studio 1A, Fox News…
Voiceover (VO), young masculine voice: Um, Senator Graham? (Pause) You have a call on line 3 from Washington. Man says he wants to speak with you. He won’t identify himself.
LG: Are you kidding me? One minute before show time? Do I look like I will speak to an unidentified party? How did he know I was here?
VO: Well, sir…
LG: Vet him, dammit. And bring more water. It’s hot in here.
VO: But sir, he won’t identify himself. He says that you may know him as “Mr. Badger.”
LG: Oh, S***! (pause, mumbling to himself) S***, him again.
Why didn’t you say it was him… before?
VO: Well, Senator, I didn’t know if you knew… of a ‘Mr. Badger,’ sir. I thought it was a crank…
LG (picks up telephone) Hello, Don? Heh, buddy, so you tracked me down… Good for you. Just doin’ a thingy’ for my friend Laura. (pause) No biggie.
(Inaudible mumbling on telephone)
LG: What’s that? Whatdya’ mean, script? Heh, Don, uh…that’s not the way they work around here. You should know that.
(Pause) What? You’re kidding me. They will not put the sound clip on ten minute pause so you can pre-hear it and make edits. (Rising voice, near shout) Who do you think you are? You are my lawyer dammit, not my nanny. Live with my transgressions. That’s what you get paid to do.
LG, with hand cupped over phone receiver, turns to speak into microphone): Ok. You are ready? I am ready. (Pause) Hi Laura! Let’s do this. Pick up where we left off? Yeah, sorry about that. Everything’s ok. Just my lawyer. You know how they are. Always trying to interfere. Yeah.
(Pause) That’s right, Laura. If you want to be a leader in the US Senate, if you want to run the show in Congress, you have to deal with President Trump. Now you can say, but he’s the former President and his candidates didn’t do well in the mid-terms, and I would say to you, wait a minute. We are talkin’ about the President. Not some ‘former President,’ some leader-in-exile. Look at the elections we just held. How many do you think are legit? Arizona… Kari Lake. Take Arizona. Look at what Rusty Browder and his gang did to her. (Pause) It stinks.
(Pause) Yes, I know there are others. But heh, all it takes is one, right? Am I right? You can’t say to me that here tonight you are 100% sure that the Arizona election belongs to… what’s her name… Hobby? (Sarcastically) Great name for Governor of the Grand Canyon State.
(Pause) It’s all bulls*** if you ask me.
Bleep.
LG: What’s that?
Voiceover (VO2), mature female voice: Your last words were bleeped, Senator. And you have another call on line 3 from Mr. Badger, who has a piece of paper that he’s showing us on FaceTime. He says it’s a cease and desist order. (Pause) We are going to commercial break, Mr. Senator. Ready in five.
LG: S***!
Bleep.
LG (agitated, into telephone) Don, are you there? This is harassment, dammit, Now, off my show! I need this! I am not getting phone calls! (Pause) What do you mean “irrelevant?”
(Shouting) I AM RELEVANT. DAMMIT. NOW DO YOUR JOB. (Hangs up)
(Phone rings.) This is harassment! You can’t just show a cease and desist order over FaceTime. Nobody will believe that s***…
Bleep.
(Inaudible mumbling in background.)
(Exasperated) All right. You win. I won’t bring up elections again.
(Pause) Oh, it’s you, Laura, sorry. Thought you were… yes that’s right, Mr. Badger… Funny, huh? I am sorry… you were saying? ‘No more on elections?’ (Pause) Oh… okay. (Pause) More on Trump? (Pause) Sure, I get it.
(Pause) Yup. I am ready.
(Into microphone) Well, Laura, I do think he will run again and will get the Republican Party nomination. People will know what they will get — not what they were promised and didn’t get with Biden. (Pause) I mean, Laura, is there anybody else?
(Pause) Ok, I know you ask the questions. Huh? You’re funning me, right? (Pause) Oh… Laura, you look cross.
Bleep.
VO2: Your last words were bleeped, Senator. Don’t ask questions directly to Ms. Ingraham on set. She doesn’t like it. She asks the questions. And you have another call on line 3 from Mr. Badger, who has another piece of paper he’s showing us on FaceTime. He’s disturbing our production crew with his threatening and foul language. Get rid of him. (Pause) Senator, we are going to commercial break. Ready in five.
LG (shouting, into telephone) I SAID STOP IT, DAMMIT… F*** THE JURY… I …AM …RELEVANT!
LG, in composed tone, into microphone: You know, Laura, it’s about what you and I have been talking about… Laura, we have an interloper in the White House. We don’t have a President. We have someone who doesn’t belong in the Office of the President. Look at what has happened with the border. (Pause) Yeah.
(Voice rising) Yeah. Take Mexico. Trump didn’t have a magic wand. He scared the s***
Bleep.
…out of Mexico. Ol’ President Obi Wan-Kenobi was no match for President Trump. Trump threatened the Mexican government with stiff tariffs if it didn’t clamp down on border migration. (Pause) Guess what? The Mexican government all of a sudden said, ‘Heh, I’d like to help.’
(Pause) Send me a bar of soap? Yeah, I’m sorry, Laura, I forgot about that… You’re funny.
(Rambling, in low tones, as if talking to himself) My bad… So, I used the ‘S-word…’ But am I right, or am I right? All I said was ‘scared the s***
Bleep.
(Unbeknownst to Graham, the mic is on so listeners are hearing his low tone diatribe)
…out of Mexico. Immigration at the border problem solved. (Pause) Like I said, scared the s***
Bleep.
….out of Brad, when the President said, ‘Find me 11,780 votes.’ It was our cue… Once more… brilliant… Shows you how…People will remember that number. People will remember me. (Voice rising) Take the Fulton County DA-W-I-T-C-H… see? Am I not being a good boy here… (Rising voice) She upset the golf cart.
(Phone calls start lighting up the telephone line receiver in front of Lindsey. Inaudible voices shouting in the background…One can make out ‘hot mic…’ ‘hot mic…’ Graham seems to ignore the voices.)
So, I say to Brad… give the President a ‘mulligan,’ ok? What’s wrong with that?.. Of course, we can find 11,780 votes or whatever.
(voice trailing off) Is that such a big ask?
VO2: Senator? Senator? Wake up, Senator. We are off air. Your last words were bleeped, Senator. We went to commercial break. Ms. Ingraham is very upset with you, Senator. Says you need rehab. And a bar of soap.
LG: I dunno…’ What happened?.. Why did you take me off air?
VO2: The S-Word, Senator. (Pause) You used the S-Word.
LG: But I thought I was talking to my lawyer.
VO2: You didn’t turn off the mic, Senator. You were talking on air. (Pause) And this ‘Mr. Badger…’ Is he your lawyer, Senator?
LG: Yes.
VO2: Well, he is talking right now with our producers. He is asking you to release a statement apologizing for using the S-Word… that you didn’t mean what you were saying about Brad…
VO2, continuing, agitated: What’s that? (Pause) Oh, okay. (Pause) Senator, you have a call from a man saying he is Brad. Line 4. Says he has a piece of paper he wants to show you…
Announcer, interrupting: As we can see, our hero Lindsey’s legal challenges tend to multiply. Some questions remain as to our hero’s continuing dilemma with politics, the law and an unfortunate hot mic. Please don’t miss next week’s episode 7, The Trials of Lindsey Graham, Water Carrier.
(*) Water Carrier: one who keeps the narrative of autocracy in play, keeps the narrative fluid; one who repeats and redeploys the rhetoric of the authoritarian.
Note
1- Though the following is fictional, it is based in part on a recent Fox News Interview, aired January 10:
