Marthaland

A Statement from the Tourism Bureau of Marthaland, formerly Dukes County, Massachusetts

September 17, 2022

As you may have heard, the island of Martha’s Vineyard recently received fifty guests from a tour organized by three individuals from the states of Arizona, Florida and Texas. Though our statement concerns these tours guests, it is in the interests of the residents of Marthaland, that we, the Tourism Bureau of Marthaland share the following.

We hold the tour in violation of travel guidelines to Marthaland, and the tour organizers, Ducey, DeSantis and Abbott accountable for multiple infractions of Marthaland civil code.

Marthaland, as you may know, was recently declared a sovereign nation by the residents of what was formerly known as Martha’s Vineyard. Marthaland includes the island of Martha’s Vineyard and “No Man’s Land,” an adjacent sand bar off the southwest tip, formerly used as an air-land missile firing range by the neighboring US.

No more, bunky.

But we digress.

The tour organizers Ducey, DeSantis and Abbott have failed to observe travel protocol to Marthaland; have failed to provide proper arrival papers for the tour; and have failed to pay applicable transfer fees. Accordingly, the tour organizers are fined $1,000 per tour guest and will face additional penalties, which include breakfast with island resident, Counselor Alan Dershowitz.

Marthaland has suspended indefinitely the Edgartown High School Mariners Cheerleader Winter Tour to Arizona, Florida and Texas.

Go, Mariners!

An economic embargo is being considered by the Marthaland Parliament. Despite resident protest, notice has been given to Whole Foods, based in Austin, Texas, to go packin.’

We mean it. The island ferries are waiting to load up your goat cheese and Portabello mushrooms.

But we digress.

If the tour organizers do not provide the requested documentation within the ten day “cooling off period,” then Marthaland will invoke its status as a provisional member of the UN International Human Trafficking Commission and join in any litigation against aforementioned tour organizers.

Respectfully,

Tourism Bureau of Marthaland, formerly Dukes County, Massachusetts

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Rodney Clough

Rodney Clough

Refuses to nap. Septuagenarian. Cliche’ raker. Writes weekly.