Lost in Denial

Lindsey Graham gets confused.

Episode 4: “The Trials of Lindsey Graham, Water Carrier”

(Announcer voiceover, in hushed tones)

Welcome to Episode 4 of Masterheist Theater’s presentation, The Trials of Lindsey Graham, Water Carrier. (*)

If you recall, from episode 3 our hero, Lindsey Graham, had filed with the Supreme Court Justice assigned to the Northern District of Georgia, Clarence Thomas, a request for the Supreme Court to delay his subpoena to appear before.the Fulton County, Georgia “Special Grand Jury,” while his lawyers prepared his case before the Supreme Court. In a terse one-page decision the Court dismissed Lindsey’s request and now we see Lindsey and his lawyer, Don McGahn, former counsel to the former President headed towards the Fulton County Courthouse.

Episode 4: Lost in Denial

(cue background theme music)

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself, “Well, how did I get here?”

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground
Into the blue again, after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground

-Background theme music, Once in a Lifetime, Talking Heads

Camera fade in to interior of SUV. Lindsey and McGahn sit facing each other. Next to them are seated two security detail members. All are white men dressed in suits. Somber, menacing music in background. Because SUV windows are tinted except for the windshield, the interior is dimly lit. An overhead roof light casts a grim pallor over the SUV occupants.

Lindsey:

Where are we? Where are we going? I thought we were in DC.

Security:

We are in Atlanta, Senator.

Lindsey:

What the f***! I thought we were going to Federal Courthouse Square!

(Shouting incredulously)

This isn’t DC?

McGahn:

No, Senator, I texted you that we lost the administrative stay.

Lindsey:

F*** you, F*** Clarence (Thomas)! Why the hell are we in Atlanta?

(Silence, Lindsey lowers his voice.)

Lindsey:

(Pause) You know, Don, I blame this on you. (Sarcastic tone) Where’s “executive privilege,” eh Donnie? (Pause) It cleared your ass, didn’t it? So why the hell can’t you make it work for me? You’re sitting pretty; I am going to house arrest.

McGahn:

I told you…

Lindsey, interrupting:

Told me what, Donnie, that for my case, executive privilege wouldn’t apply ’cause Trump was no longer President?

McGahn:

Well, Senator, there’s more…

Lindsey, interrupting:

Yeah, lawyer-client privilege. It’s a pile of crap, Donnie. You’re a pile of crap.

I AM TRYING TO SAVE AMERICA…

McGahn, sounding concerned:

Senator? …

Lindsey:

You remember that comment I gave to the reporter in the Senate Office Building hallway yesterday?

McGahn, sighing:

Yeah, I wish you hadn’t said that…

Lindsey, interrupting:

F*** you, Donnie. This is America I am saving, What the f*** are YOU doing?

(Pause) You lawyers are all the same, in the end always sitting pretty while we politicians are hung out to dry. You know what I told the reporter? … What I answered when the reporter asked, why, I, a Senator from South Carolina was doing calling the Secretary of State in Georgia? … I said to that reporter, I am trying to save America. (Pause) What’s wrong with that?… Too strong for you, eh Donnie? SAVING AMERICA?

McGahn:

Didn’t help our case, Senator.

Lindsey (frustrated):

F*** you. WHAT CASE? This isn’t a case; this is a witch hunt! There is no case here. This subpoena is fake. This “special grand jury” is fake. You are fake…YOU ARE ALL FAKE.

(Graham moves to turn down door window)

Security (moves to stop Graham):

I wouldn’t do that Senator…

As they are struggling for control of the window button, Lindsey peers over window edge at protestors. Shouts in background, “Traitor,” “Trumpy Dumpy Had A Great Fall” as protestors surround SUV)

Oh F***.

Security (to SUV driver):

Better go to the back entrance.

Driver:

The one we took Giuliani to?

Security:

Yeah, that’s the one… (pointing) down that alley.

Driver:

Roger that.

The five car SUV detail splits: part of the SUV detail goes to the main courthouse entrance, the SUV carrying Lindsey and MGahn turns away and speeds down the alley before protestors realize that Lindsey’s SUV has eluded them.

(Announcer voice-over, hushed tones, faint echo of theme music, slowly reascending)

Will the “speech or debate” clause in the Constitution protect Lindsey’s inopportune phone call with Brad Raffensperger, Georgia Secretary of State?

How does the Georgia State legal counsel feel about Lindsey “going over her head?”

Will Lindsey and Brad remain friends?

What color will Lindsey’s home arrest ankle transmitter be?

For the answer to these and other questions, don’t miss next week’s episode, 5, The Trials of Lindsey Graham, Water Carrier.

(Fade-out to credits, theme music background)

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground
Into the blue again, after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground

*Water carrier: one who keeps the narrative of autocracy in play, keeps the narrative fluid; one who repeats and redeploys the rhetoric of the authoritarian.

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