Fraud Holler

Good evening and welcome to Episode 10, The Trials of Lindsey Graham, Water Carrier (*).

In Episode 9, Canaryville, we learned of our hero, Lindsey Graham’s attempt to reconcile his passion for fair elections with allegations that he pressured Georgia election officials to overturn the results of the 2020 election which was won by Joe Biden, the Democratic candidate for President. Graham awaits the outcome of his testimony before a Special Grand Jury investigating the 2020 election in Fulton County and if he will be indicted for violating Georgia election laws.

As conspiracies swirl in his head, spoiling his sleep, our hero is tormented by the media, who are ready to pounce on the latest leak or overheard snippet coming out of Georgia.

A warning to parents. The material you are about to hear might not be suitable for young ears. Thank you for your consideration.

Now, for your pleasure and dystopian entertainment, we bring you Episode 10, Fraud Holler

(Announcer): This evening we are in Georgetown, DC at The House of Blarney, a pub frequented. by the politically conservative conspirator. Georgia Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene (MTG), sporting a khaki hunting jacket, is seated at the bar, watching Fox News on the overhead TV. She is nursing a beer and Schnapps.

An unlikely place to find our hero (LG) who is soon to arrive at the back door for a sit down with his lawyer Don McGahn (DM) fervently texting his client at a nearby booth. They are to be joined by lawyer/investigator Prof. Alan Dershowitz (AD).

MTG (derisively): So, I said to this Sperling creep…I KNOW GEORGIA, asshole, and I see election fraud everywhere! You and your group denied my husband’s ballot and you know there were hundreds of thousands of ballots for Trump you lost. Where are they… in a s****er somewhere?

Bar companion (BC): Here a fraud… there a fraud! (Raising voice) Y’all come down to Georgia for the State fraud callin’ contest. (Giggling at his own joke)

MTG: Heh, asshole, if it were your husband…

BC: Just kiddin’ Marjorie….

(Bar tender (BT) approaches Marjorie gesturing towards a short elderly man in suit and open collar white shirt, sitting at the end of the bar. Bar tender mumbles to Margorie that elderly gentleman wants the TV volume lowered.)

MTG (shouting over TV at the elderly man). Heh, Mr…It’s Fox News… dammit. They are interviewing one of the Proud Boys… I wanna’ hear it. Ok?… Ya’ gotta’ a problem with that?

(Elderly gentleman shakes his head and moves away from the bar towards McGahn’s booth.)

MTG (continuing to heckle): Who are you anyway, Mr. Elder-whatever! … What’s your problem? … Don’ wanna’ hear real patriots defending their country? …Sit somewhere else, asshole…Better yet… find another country…

DM (addressing elderly man): Hi. Alan, didn’t see you coming’ in.

AD: Who is that woman? The nerve… no respect… can’t hear myself think…

DM: Turn down your hearing aid… (Pause) Heh, I thought Lindsey was coming with you…

AD: We came in different Ubers. Have to be careful… Can’t be seen together…You know…

DM (raising voice): Why the hell not! You are one of the team. (Pause) Been having those spells again?

AD: Not exactly, jus’ that I…

MTG (overheard shouting at Fox commentator on the TV and turning to the regulars sitting at the bar): See what I mean? … What an asshole. What does he mean… how are you holdin’ up? Where’s the remote. Turn on NewsMax. This station is bulls***!

AD (in lowered voice): See what I mean? (Pause) Where is Lindsey? You better text him we’re waiting.

DM: He texted me… Garland hearing running late…He’ll be here soon… (Pause. McGahn sees a solitary figure. enter) Well, speak of the devil…

From the hallway leading to the back door a slightly stooped, shuffling figure in a windbreaker and Braves baseball cap arrives. It’s obvious that ‘he doesn’t want to be seen.

MTG (noticing hat, spins around on her bat stool and faces the figure as he nears the booth) Heh… you there… I know that hat…Go Braves… (Figure doesn’t respond) Heh… asshole! (Pause) am talking’ to you… Don’ I know you?… Heh… let me buy you a drink. I love… the Braves…

The figure gestures to the bar tender who comes around the bar, shielding Marjorie as the three men scurry out of the booth towards the hallway at back of the bar.

BT (addressing the three and gesturing towards the back): Yeah… Use the office… Combination is 1–6–2–1… Quieter there. Make yourselves at home.

MTG: Jeez… what did I say?… Heh, who are those guys… I have seen them before somewhere….Whaddido?

BC: You were ‘hollerin’ Marjorie…. Welcome to F-R-A-U-D holler’ (laughing)

MTG: F*** off!

The three gentlemen go through swinging doors to a hallway, opening another door to the bar office)m.

AD: Lindsey… did you pick this place?

LG (ignoring Alan’s question, whispers to McGahn): What’s this about Christina…

DM: C-B, dammit. I texted you, C… B…

LG: Ok. C-B.

DM: Scrub her contact from your phone.

LG: You mean… our phone?

DM: Yeah... Do it now.

LG (Sounding baffled) What the f***, Don…?

DM: She’s been subpoenaed. They are seizing her phone records.

LG: Really?

DM: Do it now. Phone could be entrapped.

LG: Done.

DM: Now… give me the phone… Text me when your staff has a new one.

LG: And you…

DM: Yeah.

Announcer: As the viewer may recall from Episode 7, former legal counsel of record to former President Donald Trump, Christina Bobb, testified before the January 6 Committee that she had received a memo showing evidence of deceased voters in Georgia at the time of the 2020 election. Bobb’s testimony was turned over to the Department of Justice by the January 6 Committee. Currently, Bobb and other Trump lawyers are being subpoenaed by Jack Smith, Independent Special Counsel investigating criminal activity concerning classified documents found at Mar-A-Lago and the January 6 Assault on the Capitol.

Meanwhile, in Georgia, things are heating up.

Lindsey Graham’s legal team has joined up with Trump’s lawyers to move the hearing venue out of Fulton County to another location and county. Their argument is to protect the defendants from receiving an unfair hearing and violation of their sixth amendment rights.

Let’s return to our hero at The House of Blarney…

LG: Jeez, I feel badly for her… We may have disagreed, but I really liked her…

DM: Forget her. Look at your flanks… you don’t have any. Not Trump, not Rudy.

LG: I kept my distance. Rudy… Sidney… Boris…

DM: Try that on the public…Otherwise, heh…you’re doing well! Really liked your shakedown of Garland… you got more airtime than Durbin and he’s chair!

LG: Thanks. So whaddya’ got for me?

DM: Good news (brightening up)…I think we’ve got her.

LG: Who?

DM: Willis. We can remove her from the case.

LG: How?

AD: Well, if there are charges.

LG: You’re kidding!

DM: Republican State Legislators organized. Trump people picked up the momentum. Passed legislation to create an oversight committee to review prosecutors who go too far. Kemp will sign. Willis is vulnerable. Goodby Willis’ public approval… Game changer.

AD: Throw her out. She can’t do her job.

DM: There’s more.

LG: Say what? More?

AD: We will move for a new DA… strip her from the case. Actually, there is no case. She overstepped her bounds… We’ll move to dismiss the charges. The case is without merit. Fraud. Legislature needed a recount… electors were not fake. Fraud. They saw fraud and demanded fairness. Outcome was suspect. Fraud.

LG: And Rudy? Sidney? What happens to them?

DM: They will appeal. Fraud.

AD: Their rights were trampled. Punish their freedom of speech? There’s no standing. Fraud. You know. Sixth and fourteenth. They can’t get a fair trial. And courts can’t legislate. Fraud. It’s up to state legislatures.

LG: This? Now this is good news.

DM: Yeah, well, Lindsey. (Pause) You have to move.

AD: Investigate fourteenth abuse. Investigate the abusers, the FBI. Fraud. The out of bounds federal prosecutors. Fraud.

LG: But I don’t have the Committee votes.

DM (speaking as if in a trance): Forget the Committee. Fraud. Senate vote. You may have the votes. Manchin. Sinema. I dunno’… Feinstein. Can she vote? (Pause) Can Fetterman vote? (Pause) Fraud. Can Sinema? Yeah… Sinema.

LG: Sinema?

DM: Get her on board. She wants bipartisan… She’ll look at Georgia. She’ll see the Oversight Board… She’ll see her future. Look, she has that guy, challenging her in ’24. She needs crossover votes. Give her the nudge. Fraud.

LG: Call her?

DM: Yeah… call her. Fraud. Ask to meet. She likes photo ops. She’ll see some stuff and she’ll come around. She can deal. Fraud. Convince her.

LG: Can I do this? Fraud?

DM: Yes, you…only you, Lindsey. (Pause) You’re the Water Carrier.

Picture fades out to credits.

(David Byrne, Once in a Lifetime, crescendos as Announcer signs off)

… And you may ask yourself
Well (how did I get here?)
How did I get here?

Letting the days go by
Let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by
Water flowing underground

Into the blue again
After the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime
Water flowing underground

Thank you once again for joining us this evening for another episode of The Trials of Lindsey Graham, Water Carrier (*). Mark your calendars for Episode 11. Keep tuned to this space.

Into the blue again

After the moneys gone

Once in a lifetime

Water flowing underground

(*) Water Carrier: one who keeps the narrative of autocracy in play, keeps the narrative fluid; one who repeats and redeploys the rhetoric of the authoritarian.

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