Canaryville

Announcer: Good evening and welcome once again to The Trials of Lindsey Graham, Water Carrier. (*) and tonight’s episode, Episode 9: Canaryville.

As we approach the mid-point in our presentation, The Trials of Lindsey Graham, Water Carrier, we welcome aboard our new sponsor, Hoodwinkem’ LLC. We are privileged to have in the studios this evening Willard Snood, (WS) founder and CEO.

Mr. Snood…

WS: Call me Willard, you know… like the rat.

A: OK. (Pause) So tell our audience, Willard, about the corporate mission of Hoodwinkem.’

WS: We fill a need in America in the quest for truth and integrity in politics.

A: Which is…

WS: We provide our clients with up to date information and surveillance in a real-time mode across multiple channels.

A: Whoa, Willard… You lost me there a little bit… do you mean you’re spooks?… Like paid operatives?

WS: I like to think of our mission as real time reality testers…

A: (interrupting) Okay, Willard. Let’s move on, shall we?… Can you tell us about your local election ‘experience doesn’t count here’ campaign initiative? Sounds fascinating.

WS: What we do is match right wing opportunities with capable public servants currently available. Kinda’ like…

A: (interrupting) An employment agency for unemployed Election Deniers?

WS: Your words, not mine.

A (testily): How did you get in the door at Jones Day?

WS: Can’t really tell ya.’ Pretty hush-hush. What I can say is that it has been a real pleasure redacting Mr. McGahn’s and Mr. Graham’s phone conferences…we say, redactin’ to get at the truth…

A (interrupting): Uh huh, yeah… (speeding up) okay Willard… uh, thank you… that’s enough for now… umm… (aside whisper to Willard)…weren’t you coached by my producer on the way in that you wouldn’t bring in ‘redaction’..?

(an audible grunt and slurping sound is heard)

What’s that?

WS: My pet pig. She reminds me when she needs to relieve herself.

A: Okay. Well, Willard…(raising voice) Thanks for sharing what are very serious issues facing…

WS (interrupting): Cmon’ Sweet Pea. Don’ think we’re welcome here anymore. Be a good girl and hold it in the elevator.

(Snood and pig walk off the set.)

A (shooting a baleful glance at someone off set, whispering): You and I need to talk…

(Returning to glance into camera) Good evening, and for those of you who are just joining us, welcome to another episode of The Trials of Lindsey Graham, Water Carrier.

In last week’s episode, “Not that state, this state,” we learned that our hero, Senator Lindsey Graham was anxiously awaiting the redacted report from the special Grand Jury of Fulton County, Georgia, and the potential fallout from his involvement in an effort to redo Georgia’s certification of the 2020 election.

On Thursday, February 16, portions of the Grand Jury report were finally released to the public. Tonight, we join our hero, the Senator (LG) and his lawyer Don McGahn (DM) in a Facetime phone conversation about the report and our hero’s innocence of mal intent in challenging the 2020 election outcome in Georgia.

A warning to parents. The material you are about to hear might not be suitable for young ears. Thank you for your consideration.

And now for your pleasure and dystopian entertainment, Episode 9: Canaryville.

(Video still shot of Emily Kohrs, forewoman of the Fulton County Special Grand Jury.)

(Voice over of Ms. Kohrs) “I usually distrust a politician, but I liked Mr. Graham. He was nice to us. He told me that it was ok to wear a Santa outfit in November.”

(Camera shot of the wood paneled conference room at the Washington, DC office of Jones Day LLC… on a wall mounted video screen is the image of Lindsey Graham seated in the back seat of his black SUV. Camera pans to Graham’s lawyer, Don McGahn, a conference table with an assistant and several legal-size boxes of files. Papers are spread on the table, a dry erase board with scribbles of assorted defendant names in the background. McGahn is seen pacing in front of the video screen.)

(Static heard in background)

DM: What did you say to her?

(More static)

Well?

(Silence)

(Shouting at screen) Hey Lindsey, dammit… turn off your Robo-Scrambler… I don’t have audio.

LG (sound cuts in) : …Well, that’s what she said, dammit!

DM (ignoring intermittent static and changing topic) Okay… Look, we have to bury speech and debate, Lindsey. Pence again made a fool of us. Did you get his sound bite on Fox? He says that he is going to fight the Justice subpoena because it’s unconstitutional. Speech and debate clause… Yadda , Yadda…

(ed. see note 1).

LG: Why? (Pause) What the hell are we doing, counselor…?

DM: (interrupting) The “T Word.”

LG: You don’t get it. Do you?

DM: What’s there to get? Speech and debate defense excludes treason and stuff like insurrection. Of course Pence forgot that he’s not a Sen…

LG (interrupting): Oh, and ‘doubt?’ How about ‘doubt,’ Mr. Jones Day… What? (shouting) You are going to choke me? How many times do I have to tell you it was a phone call.

DM: But why, Lindsey, … why? Didn’t you know… it was Georgia?

LG: So, I called the wrong state… Let’s move on. Whaddya’ got for me?

DM: Willis is playing the Grand Jury with this ‘no election fraud’ stuff. Did you catch what that forewoman said?

LG: Can Willis do that? WTF…! God, I hate liberal DA’s!

DM: Alan is looking into bringing jury tampering charges against Willis. We’ll try to move the venue. Could delay things a bit, so we can get our ducks in a row.

LG: And where’s Trump?

DM: You saw him. Did he talk about it?

LG: Yeah. He said he is exonerated because his name wasn’t mentioned.

DM (laughing). Well, that sounds familiar, eh? Another ‘perfect phone call.’

LG: I don’t see what’s so funny, Don.

DM: Look, Lindsey…I dunno’ what we do with Trump. He’s says what he needs to say, to keep the fanning going. His lawyers are filing delays. You know the drill. Sure, he thanked the Grand Jury. Like he respects their opinion. That stuff on Truth Social was garbage.

LG: I told him to shut up. Tried to advise him not to talk about the Grand Jury. Know what he said?

DM: No… what?

LG: He said that I was just like Pence… I was abandoning him. That the Grand Jury cared more about his rights than I did. He said Pence and I were ‘two pussies in a pod.’

DM: Ouch… And what did you say?

LG: I didn’t answer him. You know it’s all bull s***.

DM: Alan thinks Pence can’t see the big picture. Pence is trying to get party regulars behind him. But he has a lot of ground ahead to even catch up to DeSantis. We’ll see… Iowa is coming up. (Pause) Pence is getting bad advice.

LG: And me? What does Alan think are my chances of having the book thrown at me?

DM: He doesn’t know.

LG: Doesn’t know what exactly?

DM: Well, that’s not how it works, Lindsey. We have to think about Willis.

LG: Her again! (Caustically) She is not a voter. Why do we have to think about her?

DM: Right now…(pause) she is in control. She has the public approval right now. All that stuff about election workers and their families…

LG (interrupting): What the hell is that supposed to mean… ‘has the public approval…’? (Raising voice) Take her out! Do your job, dammit!

DM: Didn’t know you cared, Lindsey.

LG: Listen to me… (shouting) Do your job!

DM: My job…? (snarling) How about… you… do… your job! As you say, Lindsey…you have Mr. Jones Day so wrong…Here you are sitting in the Senate, one less seat.

LG: One-half… Fetterman is…

DM (interrupting): One less seat, Lindsey. That’s your turf. Remember? My turf… my job, is to throw out the Georgia case. Bury the evidence. Restore your stature…

LG: I think you are using me…all this administrative state stuff…all this ‘not that state, this state stuff…’

DM: Using you? That’s what they want us to think. They want to divide us. To bring in loyalty… Like Willis’ RICOH pitch to the press…

LG (interrupting)…Comparing our case to gangs and tax fraud. Imagine. (Pause) God I hate liberal DA’s….Yeah, what does she know. It’s all bull s***.

DM: She may serve Rudy.

LG: What for?

DM: Criminal solicitation to commit election fraud.

LG: He’ll plead the fifth… Where does that put us? I kept my distance from Rudy. From Sidney…

DM: Yeah, but not from …(Pause) Brad’s a problem.

LG: Brad? Mr. Nothin’ Here? (Pause) He can’t even tie his shoes.

DM: Well, you spoke to him.

LG: What’s your point?

DM: Whaddidya’ say to him, Lindsey?

LG: How many times are you gonna’ ask that question… I asked him … told him there was election fraud. (Pause) He didn’t take it well. You know. He denied it. That’s what I remember.

DM: That’s his job. And here’s my point: that’s Willis’ job now too…

LG: And my job is to find out why votes were missing. I am an American citizen dammit! I demand answers! Is that ‘pressuring him?’

DM: No Lindsey, that’s carrying water.

LG (sounding tired, voice trailing off): Doin’ my job.

DM: Yeah, Lindsey. Doin’ your job. Now let’s send Willis packing…. How’s that Senate Judicial subcommittee on the fourteenth abuses…

LG: Need another vote.

DM: Thought so. That tells me we can’t rush this stuff.

LG: Here’s my stop…

Announcer: We leave our hero and his lawyer as they continue to prepare Lindsey’s defense and public posture on the Grand Jury evidence which has been turned over to Fulton County DA Frani Willis for considering criminal charges for violations of Georgia election laws. Does our hero continue to state that he is doing the work of democracy? Is he above the law? Does the forewoman, Emily Rohrs, sign up to register to vote? Does Justice Thomas re-emerge and drop a “justice is not being served in Georgia” bomb during a public meet and greet? Don’t miss Episode 10, The Trials of Lindsey Graham, Water Carrier.

(*) Water Carrier: one who keeps the narrative of autocracy in play, keeps the narrative fluid; one who repeats and redeploys the rhetoric of the authoritarian.

1- https://constitution.congress.gov/browse/essay/artI-S6-C1-3-1/ALDE_00013300/