An Open Memo to the Senate Parliamentarian

Pass the throat lozenges. And the mouthwash.

Above: US Senate Parliamentarian Elizabeth MacDonough. Photo Courtesy NYTimes

To: The Honorable Elizabeth MacDonough, US Senate Parliamentarian

Date: April 10

Subject: Your job

You don’t know me. I didn’t vote for you. Nobody that I know of voted for you because yours is not an elected office.

So in the daylight of democracy, hear me out. I am not an angry person. I get it — your job exists because other people are not doing or are refusing to learn how to do their job.

Sounds like — though you are not elected — your display of maturity is rewarded by your keeping your job. So let’s be blunt. I am on your side. I am your booster. I may not believe in the efficacy of your position but I have a few thoughts to make your job easier.

I’ve tried to pay attention to the recent confirmation hearing of Keta…I am going to stop here before I misspell her name…but I was so frustrated by the length and type of questioning this poor lady was subject to, I drifted…

22 hours in the hot seat! That’s a lot of popcorn!

Do white men get the same treatment? Mr. Neil Gorsuch, who — poor guy — had to wait eleven months to get confirmed. That nasty Merrick Garland standing in the way!

The delay!

And Mr. Brett Kavanaugh, who had to listen to Dr. Whatever-her-name drum up some cockemanied story about beer, boys, and god knows what!

The injustice!

Of course this lady-on-the-stand interrogation disrespect doesn’t stop with Senate Judiciary Committee hearings. There’s that Benghazi thingamajig.

44 hours! Would that Hillary person ever shut up?

Her questioning length even topped Mr. Cruz and his night at the opera! Much less entertaining I’d say, though I didn’t watch it.

Whew! Let’s monitor the time we subject these good folks to a job interview or a job review. I think four-five hours would suffice, wouldn’t you? All we need is to get you one of those High School Track Coach whistles that we’d put around your neck. After say four hours, blow it and it’s over. Consider that it’s a fashion accessory. Would look great around your neck.

White or yellow gold?

See how easy that is? Problem solved.

Now about those feisty immigrants demanding citizen handouts. Oh Lordy be! Why are we always mixing up human rights and dignity with money? I mean are they or are they not citizens? Sounds like a no-brainer to me. If they’re in this country, I say, get a job first and then ask for health care. We could give you a calculator so that you could calculate the missed savings by sending those folks packing. Or holding them for a couple of years in a razor wire compound.

Problem solved.

Easy peasy.

Well, wait a minute, I am confused. You ask about accounting for military spending abuses? Well, there is a difference between holding military contractors accountable for cost overruns and illegal immigrants standing in line for handouts.

How many military contractors sneaked across the border?

Don’t need a calculator for that one.

I say to those Senators and in particular, I am thinking about that white-haired one from Maple Syrup Land. You know, the one who looks like Yodo. Yeah, well button it up Mr. Smarty-pants, you don’t know what side of your bread is buttered.

I say, how dare you criticize what the Senate Parliamentarian is doing!

I think you’re doing a helluva job!

I say, ‘Carry on!’

Yours respectfully.

April 10

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